Should I stay or should I go?

Dear Adam and Tony,

Here is the situation: I moved to Alaska for my big love… The first 8 months were great, we click on every level other than sex. I have a high sex drive, his is very low to non-existent.  When we met, he told me he was a horny bottom…Not once have we had anal sex only oral…which is good, but come on!  We’ve had no sex at all now for months.  He also said he went to the gym all of the time. He has not been once in 3 years….I keep running into these inconsistencies …I don’t know what to think. He told me it would be our home and he only ever refers to it as his home. I feel like I don’t belong here suddenly. He comes home and disappears upstairs to his computer and that’s all I see of him. When he works late he doesn’t call, even though I discuss the dinner I am going to make that morning….what do you think…?

Alan

Dear Alan,

Adam

Whatever your boyfriend did or didn’t say about himself when you were first hooking up, you have to deal with the reality of how things are now.  It sounds as if you’re spending more and more time apart and he clearly isn’t meeting your needs for intimacy and sex.  You have to ask yourself the question, is the relationship worth fixing?  Is the way in which you click on all levels other than sex enough to make up for the lack of it?

If you decide that it is worth sticking around and working at the relationship, then encourage your boyfriend to talk.  This sort of conversation is best had sober, so why not suggest brunch this coming weekend?  Encourage him to tell you how he sees things.  And when you tell him about your needs, avoid blaming him for your frustration or accusing him of inconsistency.  Are there ways of being partners domestically that allow for you to express your sexual desires with other men?

Tony

I wonder, Alan, why did the first eight months go so well?  What’s the difference between then and now?  The answer to this might give you some clues as to whether you can work together to retrieve the good elements of that early relationship, or whether time has worn them thin.  It might also help you to clarify to what extent it’s you who’s changed, or him.

If there’s hope of renewing the energy and enjoyment of being together, then you need to talk, in the way Adam said, and explore with him how to get those things back.  If you do, make sure you listen to him: there must be reasons why he’s withdrawing from you – if you know these, you might be able to adapt.  If this works out, then this would also mean that you don’t have to reverse what must have been a big move for you all the way to Alaska!

But if you’ve both (or only you) just moved on and it’s no longer going to work, then perhaps you need to start thinking about how to move away from the relationship.  Don’t stay unhappy and just let it fester.  Talk it through, find new ways to relate and enjoy each other, or leave!

Click here to find out more about our self-coaching course on keeping a boyfriend.

One of the most heartening aspects of gay life in America is that while the politicians are still stuck on the issue of gay marriage, many of the companies that help to make America great (and wealthy) just get on with supporting their gay employees.  According to the Economist, 86% of Fortune 500 firms now ban discrimination on the grounds of sexuality.  The Human Rights Campaign found that 64% of the 636 companies that responded to its most recent “equality index” survey grant same-sex partners the same medical benefits as spouses.

Here in the UK things have gone even further.  The rights of gay people at work are enshrined in anti-discrimination law.  As in the US, many of the largest companies have fantastically gay-friendly policies.  Being gay has become so mainstream that I wonder how long the LGBT support groups at companies like BT and Tesco will need to exist.

There are still those who choose to be careful about how much they reveal to their colleagues about their private lives.  I know that in the past I was sometimes cautious about revealing the gender of my partner, especially when I was working in clients’ offices.  For seven years I had a boss who would ask all my straight colleagues about their weekends on a Monday morning, but would never ask me.  He knew about Tony’s place in my life right from the first day I worked for him, and yet it wasn’t until I left that he brought himself to say his name.

So as the politicians get bogged down with gay marriage, and those on the opposing sides of the culture wars shout at each other, thank goodness for the good sense of corporate America, which sees the value of their gay employees and wants them to be happy.

See our website for tips and advice about being gay at work.

And Eric Mueller in Advocate magazine reviews it and says, “My favorite part of the app is the audio option. The audio makes it feel like a coach is standing there talking you through each step. And if you don’t have an iPhone, Adam and Tony also offer 11 self-coaching courses on their website for under $5 each” (£2.99 in the UK).

See more, download it, and use it yourself.  It’ll take you through any desert of challenge and change!

Get it here, free!

Through the desert, just one step ...

If you’ve been to the Tanezrouft desert in the west of the Sahara, you’d either know it, or you’d be dead.  It’s the hottest desert in the world, occupies 500,000 km², and is one inhospitable place. In 1809 a caravan of 2000 people and 1800 camels perished, lost and out of water. The body of a crashed French pilot lay isolated for 29 years before being discovered.  It’s rightly called the Land of Fear.

But it is also an important trade and travel route.  So to guide its intrepid travellers across its 500-mile expanse, there are 55-gallon oil drums marking the track every 5 kilometres.  In this way, as you pass one, you can see the next at the limit of the horizon.  And so you take one span at a time, 5 kilometres at a time, to reach your destination, alive and finally out of fear.

Ah, what a lesson in life for us all.  Rather than imagining the horror of all 500 miles of possible death, each traveller has to navigate only 5 kilometres at a time, steadily, resolutely, and in control.

So, if you face the long and arduous journey in one of life’s struggles – finding a partner, leaving one, dealing with a difficult personal or professional challenge, moving house or city, facing a serious illness – look out for the oil drums.  Take only the one step, the small step that is realistic and possible right now.

Don’t worry too much about the track further along the route; you will get there if you view only what lies just ahead of you, today, this moment, what is needed, what is possible, what will take you one pace closer to resolution.

You may not be crossing the Tanezrouft (but good luck if you do); but your life may sometimes feel as though you are.  Pull back your focus and your imagination to what’s just ahead, and keep it all in perspective.  Then you’ll see that oil drum, welcoming you at the end of the visible horizon, with the promise that, in trust, you will find your way home.

Whether it’s finding or keeping a boyfriend, esteem on the scene, age difference, getting older and more, try our great online self-coaching courses.

“Dear Adam and Tony,

Despite your advice about finding a boyfriend when I went to college, I’ve managed to fall deeply in love with a straight guy. I came into college first semester thinking that every guy was a possible date without first getting to know enough about them. I assumed this fellow was gay, then found out he met my criteria for what I seek in a relationship. Minus the whole gay thing. He’s kind, intelligent, motivated, and very verbose. And he doesn’t sit around playing video games all day! That’s what I really like about him. So, how do I move on? Could he still be lying about his orientation? What is my next move?”   Josh

Dear Josh,

Adam:  Isn’t it wonderful when you meet someone that you’re so attracted to?  Your new friend sounds like he would be quite a catch, only he isn’t biting at your hook.  You enjoy being round him, and wonder how a man so lovely could possibly be straight.

Well if he is, your infatuation with him will only bring you grief.  Even if he has a latent homosexual side, you would have to wait for him to open up in his own time.

You ask about how to move on.  Well, Josh, you have a choice.  If it’s too painful to be around him, you could stop seeing him altogether.  Instead spend time with other people, and enjoy developing friendships with them.

If you’d rather stay close to him, enjoy the friendship for what it is, and forget about trying to hook him as a boyfriend.

Tony:  I wonder what made you assume that he was gay, if he hadn’t actually told you that himself?  Is it because “he met my criteria for what I seek in a relationship”; and then you wish-fulfilled him into being gay?  If that’s the case, then your next move has to be to give up the idea of him ever being a boyfriend to you.  Ever.  That will only cause you frustration and pain.  In time, he could be a friend, if you can accept him as he is.  And don’t play with the idea that he may be lying about his orientation.  Unless he makes it crystal clear, this could just be you vainly hoping that he will change to meet your expectations.

The most important and encouraging thing I hear you say is that you know what you are looking for in a potential partner.  Stay with that, then be open to meeting a gay man who is like this.  How to do that?  Be yourself, do plenty of social things, gay and otherwise, that you enjoy, and let life flow around you and bring you what it brings.  Be ready to be just a little flexible with your ideals; nobody could or ever will meet all your dreams – we have to live the reality of working with the raw materials of human beings.  And be ready to give of yourself to others, be they friend or stranger, gay or straight.  And it’s great to hear that you don’t try to do that by playing video games all day!

Click here to find out more about our self-coaching course on finding a boyfriend.

See more on how you can increase your confidence and find the right people through our 5-star reviewed gaylife app!!  FREE FOR A LIMITED PERIOD – DOWNLOAD YOURS NOW!

Rob & Sean

Of course it can. But you need to take it easy, don’t expect too much too soon.  And, make sure you get the venue right!  Read how a lovely pair, Rob and Sean, got on in our home turf of Wimbledon.

Read here about the blind date …

For advice on gay relationships and making them work, see our website.

The changing tides of 2012

Like many people, at New Year I review the year that’s just gone and set myself goals for the year to come.  I got a shock when I looked at the 8 goals I set for myself this time last year: I had achieved none of them!  And yet I’d had a fabulous 2011.  One of the highlights was delivering a five-day training course in French, possibly the biggest professional challenge of my career to date.  It was a great success and led to two more similar contracts.  But as I planned my year back in January 2011 I could never have predicted it.

So goal setting is good for establishing the direction in which you intend to travel.  But sometimes our journeys take a different path; then pre-set goals cannot always take account of changing circumstances.  My daily and weekly practice of setting goals is invaluable; the review and accountability I have to myself help to keep me on track.  But one of the joys of life is being open to the unexpected, to those serendipitous encounters or to the whispered but insistent appeal of your intuitions.

So be kind to yourself if you didn’t achieve all you set out to do in 2011.  By all means imagine how you’d like your life to be in 12 months’ time.  But make sure that you remain open to the present, to the now; that is the only place where you ever actually are; and where the real joy of the your journey will thrill and fulfil you.

Happy New Year.

Have a look at some our past articles in dealing with the unexpected:

Go with the flow

Live in the moment

Let go of guilt

Guilt has such a cancerous effect on our well-being.  It’s not worth it, it’s not helpful, and we don’t have to entertain it.  Click below to hear our brief new  year’s resolution message: DITCH THE GUILT!

Ditch the guilt

Sally Brampton

Sally Brampton writes as the ‘agony aunt’ for the Sunday Times.  Not a publication we would normally recommend at all.  But have a look at her answer to the gay man who wrote to her for help when his boyfriend’s dad refused to support their marriage.  My boyfriend’s dad won’t accept our gay marriage.

Well worth a read.

Happy Christmas from us both at Gay Life Coach, now happily “married” for the last 23 years!

Can twinks like bears?

“Dear Adam and Tony, here is the problem: I am a 44 year old man.  I am a large and furry man, a bear.  I do NOT like other bears.  I do however, like twinks.  That’s part of the problem.  Most twinks I know or talk to like other twinks.  
I have tried really hard to like guys my age and my build but I can’t.  I know its sounds shallow and maybe I am, but I don’t know what to do. 
Any ideas?”  

Lenny

Dear Lenny,

Tony:  Lenny, you say you don’t ‘like’ bears, but you do ‘like’ twinks.  Quite a generalisation there.  This suggests that you are talking about a category of people, which is defined only and purely by looks, not personality.  Twinks are the stars in your eyes.  Which in turn means this is all about physical attraction, not friendship, partnership and relationship?  Because human warmth, sociability and companionship can come from so many ‘types’, right?

Adam:  You say that most twinks like others their own age.  While this may be true, there are plenty of younger men who actively seek relationships with older guys.  If you’re convinced that no young man will be interested in you because you’re 44, big and hairy, then you’ll miss the signals given off by those who may be interested in you because of your physical and mature attributes.

Tony:  I think it’s great you’re honest about your desires, Lenny; and of course we all want to find people who we are physically attracted to.  You can’t force that, so go out and seek whatever types of people you want of course.  But my challenge to you is this: you said you might sound ‘shallow’, so ask yourself, is wanting a particular type enough; is it what you really want; and is the purely physical your major concern in relationships and dating?  The most beautiful people may only offer you very limited satisfaction in the long term, be they twinks or not.  Even those furry men could give you something fulfilling and enduring.

Adam:  I would be bolder than Tony.  Stay with the fact that you’re looking for a younger man.  And dare to believe that such a man will find you attractive.  If you open yourself to this possibility, you’ll be alert to the signs of interest that younger guys show you.  You’ll also give off signals that they’ll pick up that you’re interested in them.  May you find that twinkle in your eye!

Click here to find out more about our self-coaching course on getting older.

See more on how you can increase your confidence and find the right people through our 5-star reviewed gaylife app!!  FREE FOR A LIMITED PERIOD – DOWNLOAD YOURS NOW!